Guardian

Please read this first. This page is general information. It does not replace professional, medical, or mental health care, and it is not therapy or treatment. If you are in crisis:

You are not alone

If you were hurt as a child, you are in very large company.

The CDC uses the term adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs, for potentially traumatic events that happen between birth and age 17. Examples the CDC lists include experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect; witnessing violence at home or in the community; and growing up in a home with substance use problems, mental health problems, parental separation, or a family member in jail or prison.

In a CDC study of adults in all 50 states and Washington, D.C. (survey data from 2011 to 2020), 63.9% of U.S. adults reported at least one ACE, and 17.3% reported four or more.

What happened to you was not your fault. The CDC defines abuse and neglect by what a parent, caregiver, or other adult in a custodial role did, or failed to provide. Responsibility sits with the adults, not the child.

How patterns pass down

The CDC explains that the toxic stress caused by ACEs can affect how children develop, can make it harder to form healthy, stable relationships, and that its effects can also be passed on to their own children.

SAMHSA (the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) notes that trauma affects people differently. Many people who go through a traumatic event go on with their lives without lasting negative effects, while others have difficulties. SAMHSA names a strong support system as one of the things that can make a difference.

Put simply: a pattern is not a sentence. The CDC states plainly that ACEs can be prevented.

Interpretation (Guardian's view, not a sourced fact): this is the heart of "protecting children by healing adults." Hurt that is never tended to tends to travel. An adult who has understood their own story, and found support, is better placed to give a child what they may not have received: steady safety, warmth, and the sense that their worth does not depend on being good enough.

Common ways old hurt can show up in parenting

Guardian's reflection prompts, not sourced findings and not diagnoses. These are offered for honest self-reflection. If several fit, that is not a reason for shame. It is useful information, and a reason to reach for support.

That last one is worth a closer look: the Child Welfare Information Gateway lists a parent who "looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of the parent's emotional needs" as a general sign of concern.

Getting support

There is no single right path. Here are free places to start.

To find mental health or substance use care near you

If you were sexually abused as a child

If you are a parent who feels overwhelmed

If you are worried about your own thoughts or behavior toward a child, or someone else's

If you are in emotional crisis

Parenting differently: small, practical steps

The CDC offers a free online resource called Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers (for children ages 2 to 4): https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/about/index.html

Its main topics are a good map for any parent who wants to do things differently:

The CDC's prevention guidance also stresses safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments for children, and connecting young people with caring adults such as mentors. You do not have to be a parent to be one of those adults.

A few honest reminders

Sources